Kids

Wow… I cannot believe that it’s already the last week of the year. Seriously, I would like to know who stole 12 whole months of my life? It’s been a really long year and a lot has happened. I’m going to try to give a rapid overview of it all…

We were still living in Kentucky this time last year after our move from Georgia. I just have to say that Kentucky was NOT my favorite place to live.

Kentucky (Photo credit: davebarger)

Of course January was fraught with worry and stress as we tried to decide what we wanted to do. We could not afford to live in our house any longer, and the prepayment on our rent was up. So, we made the choice to move to Indiana with friends – and did so the first of February.

It has been exceedingly interesting, living this far North. I’ve always been a southern girl and this is a far cry from the warm and sunny South! We arrived to a couple of inches of snow on the ground from a snowfall a week before we got here… dang – we were concerned if it lasted until noon when and IF we got some in Georgia!

Our first few weeks here were an adjustment period for sure – trying to fit all of us in the same house was definitely a new experience. Our five and their six made for eleven in one place – two shy of classifying as a boarding house (which coincidentally is illegal without a licence and at least 3 bathrooms). But we lost two, and gained a bedroom in April – which was a very good thing because sleeping on an air-mattress with three dogs – not so wonderful. Not to mention the cat… yeah.

We made the decision to get married this year… after 10 years of being together. Kind of a change for me because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to actually “tie the knot” again – but we started planning. If you think wedding planning is stressful – try doing it with two special needs kids and no money… what a wild time.

We also enrolled Little Man in school for the first time in over a year. I was so apprehensive about it – he has never done well in school, it’s always been a trigger point for him, and I was so worried that he would not do well. However, it has proven to be the best thing we could have done, ever. Also – it made me wish we had made the move to Indiana a couple of years ago!

I think I mentioned at some point in a much earlier post this year, that Our Guy decided against staying with us and moved back to Florida with is bio-mom. He has not done well in that endeavor and is now living in a homeless shelter down there.

Little Man has made so much progress since Our Guy has been gone that it’s becoming more and more evident that we made the right choice in letting him go his own way. We and his therapist are exploring the possibility that we may very well have transported one of his chief abusers right along with him when he came to live with us. Scary freaking thought… but as long as LM is making good progress, we’re not rocking the boat.

Of course we had to deal with the drama of Our Girl – and hooboy was there some major drama. So much that she wound up getting thrown out of the house, moving in with a guy she knew for just a few days, AND getting pregnant by choice all in the span of less than 6 months. Oh please just kill me now.

So, now we have a pregnant 19 year old bi-polar, hormone walking around the house. And to top it all of “baby daddy” turned out to be the biggest loser, and y’all not in a good way. In the 4 months we allowed him to stay in our house he worked a total of 3 days. Not even kidding here. So – he’s down the road and she’s not even 6mo. pregnant yet.

Which brings me to my next point – she’s already got a new boyfriend. Yeah… I know – kind of odd right? I thought so too – but hell she’s 19 what can you do about it? If you forbid it, she’s just going to leave. So we just deal. And we hope beyond everything that she and the baby are healthy and happy and safe.

Historic Dentzel Carousel

We had our wedding in September at a historic carousel here in our town – it’s one of only four left in existence – and it’s amazing.

Mom and Dad with the greats!

It was even more special because my parents got to meet their great grandchildren for the first time… My mom was in heaven!

It was an amazingly wonderful day and I was so grateful and blessed to be able to make it happen!

Sigh… the last part of this year was kind of a letdown after all the excitement! LOL

Actually, Little Man brought home his report card a few weeks ago – three C’s… nothing failing, all wonderful! Yet, he was complaining that it wasn’t good enough. We try so hard to instill some self-esteem into this boy, but he doesn’t care to hear it and is not impressed by our efforts. It wasn’t until my nephew told him that he had actually made better grades than he did that Little Man kind of calmed down.

So this pretty much brings us to the close of 2012. What are my hopes for 2013? Well, I guess you’ll have to stop by tomorrow to find out when I post my 2013 goals and hopes. 🙂

Happy Saturday!

Confessional

Welcome to another Friday Confessional. Today I’m talking about Mommy Issues. Not my issues with my mommy – because really I don’t have any of those. No, I’m talking about my issues as Mommy to this guy here:

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Yeah, that’s our Little Man… not so little anymore at almost 6 feet… .but our youngest nonetheless.

Little Man as you may know (and if you don’t you can read all about it here) is Severely Emotionally Disabled. He has a plethora of issues ranging from PTSD to Paranoid Schizophrenia and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not otherwise specified (it’s an Autism Spectrum Disorder). This sweet boy came into my life 10 years ago as a badly damaged 7 year old. He has had some horrible issues over the years, but he’s basically a joy to parent.

My issues are not with him as a child – not at all. My issues are with myself as his mother. Ya’ll I’ve been a mom for almost 30 years. Parenting is hard on any scale, but parenting a child like this.. that is incredibly hard.

It’s not the constant questions, inability to function socially, or the meltdowns. It’s the terribly low self esteem, the desire to kill himself, and the inability to make or keep friends that has me torn up. I stay in an emotional turmoil over this child. Not because of myself, because I”m good… really. Because nobody should have to feel the way he does about himself. Because nobody should have to go through what he’s gone through… nobody on this planet should be affected in such a horrible way by something like this.

I cry when he comes home talking about “bullies” at school – because I know there are none, and he’s desperately seeking attention and approval. He takes memories other people have shared with him and makes them his own; telling the tale in a very stilted manner so you just KNOW he’s not giving you facts. He goes to school and tells the teachers things like “My cousin sleeps with his fan pointed directly on me, and I don’t have a blanket… so when I get up I have to take an hour long hot shower just to be warm”… Yeah, he did that. Thank God the teachers and staff at his school know he does this and don’t take into account stories like that when dealing with him.

All in all I feel inadequate as a parent because there is nothing I can do for this child. He has been in therapy for over half his life, and really has not made a whole lot of progress. He has attempted to kill himself three times. Any time he is confronted with something he has done wrong he attempts to hurt himself. I feel like a total failure as a parent because I cannot protect this child from himself.

I know that I am not an inadequate parent, or a failure as a mother. I am a great mom – deep down I know I am. I am just the mom he needs – with all my flaws and imperfections. God chose me to be his mother for a reason. He put his dad and I together so that I could be the mom he needed when he needed me. I know this… sometimes, it’s just doesn’t feel that way.

Happy Friday!