Welcome to another Friday Confessional. Today I’m talking about Mommy Issues. Not my issues with my mommy – because really I don’t have any of those. No, I’m talking about my issues as Mommy to this guy here:
Yeah, that’s our Little Man… not so little anymore at almost 6 feet… .but our youngest nonetheless.
Little Man as you may know (and if you don’t you can read all about it here) is Severely Emotionally Disabled. He has a plethora of issues ranging from PTSD to Paranoid Schizophrenia and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not otherwise specified (it’s an Autism Spectrum Disorder). This sweet boy came into my life 10 years ago as a badly damaged 7 year old. He has had some horrible issues over the years, but he’s basically a joy to parent.
My issues are not with him as a child – not at all. My issues are with myself as his mother. Ya’ll I’ve been a mom for almost 30 years. Parenting is hard on any scale, but parenting a child like this.. that is incredibly hard.
It’s not the constant questions, inability to function socially, or the meltdowns. It’s the terribly low self esteem, the desire to kill himself, and the inability to make or keep friends that has me torn up. I stay in an emotional turmoil over this child. Not because of myself, because I”m good… really. Because nobody should have to feel the way he does about himself. Because nobody should have to go through what he’s gone through… nobody on this planet should be affected in such a horrible way by something like this.
I cry when he comes home talking about “bullies” at school – because I know there are none, and he’s desperately seeking attention and approval. He takes memories other people have shared with him and makes them his own; telling the tale in a very stilted manner so you just KNOW he’s not giving you facts. He goes to school and tells the teachers things like “My cousin sleeps with his fan pointed directly on me, and I don’t have a blanket… so when I get up I have to take an hour long hot shower just to be warm”… Yeah, he did that. Thank God the teachers and staff at his school know he does this and don’t take into account stories like that when dealing with him.
All in all I feel inadequate as a parent because there is nothing I can do for this child. He has been in therapy for over half his life, and really has not made a whole lot of progress. He has attempted to kill himself three times. Any time he is confronted with something he has done wrong he attempts to hurt himself. I feel like a total failure as a parent because I cannot protect this child from himself.
I know that I am not an inadequate parent, or a failure as a mother. I am a great mom – deep down I know I am. I am just the mom he needs – with all my flaws and imperfections. God chose me to be his mother for a reason. He put his dad and I together so that I could be the mom he needed when he needed me. I know this… sometimes, it’s just doesn’t feel that way.
- Friday Confessional – I am an addict! (magimomsblog.wordpress.com)