On Forgivness


10151875_627646433992212_1860851460_n

On Forgiveness

You guys who’ve been around awhile know that last year was a long year for me. Lots going on, things that weren’t so happy and things that were. One of the “not so happy” things was the loss of a friendship that I’d had for quite some time. And while I’m totally okay with the choices of said friendI am not okay with how things were left between us. Mostly, because I think this person believes (incorrectly) that I am waiting around for them to return.

So… with that said – let me just clear the air for you a bit dear former friend.

A few months back you were kind enough to contact me and let me know my dog had died… you didn’t want me to “find out via FB”.  Kind of you for certain. Then not long after it was that your husband was sick.

During that conversation you said something that has burned in my head for all this time. I just have to respond.

You said “I want you to know you’re forgiven”.

For what are you forgiving me, exactly? Because, I didn’t do anything to you. I neglected to share with you that your husbands best friend was not my choice for a permanent life partner. Mostly because he was your husbands best friend. Just… no. sorry. I’ve known you for 12 years. You can’t keep anything to yourself. It wasn’t information to be shared. So, I kept my mouth shut… Until all parties directly involved knew. That made you mad enough to spit nails… and in a small way – it hurt your feelings. However, again I’ve known you for a long time – what followed wasn’t hurt feelings… no… what followed was just plain vindictive mad.

You trashed me to anyone who would listen. You called me every name in the book. You made sure every single person around you knew how much you despised me. How I used you. How I hurt you. And yet, I never said a word about how what you were doing hurt me. How I felt that you called me a user. That you stole from me, and wanted me to PAY YOU FOR IT and that you attempted to steal things that were of great sentimental value. That you put me in the same category with others that you felt had intentionally done things to hurt you. My choices were never about YOU. But you made it all about you. And I was the evil person who crossed you.

You know, at first I was hurt beyond belief that you would make such a huge mess of our relationship over this. After all, I had apologized, begged forgiveness and practically prostrated myself before you just for those three little words – you are forgiven. And if they’d been said at any earlier point in the mess – I would have rejoiced, jumped for joy, and been delusionally happy.

But you waited too long. You offered too little, too late. You see, you gave me plenty of time to analyze my actions, talk them all through with my God, and realize that I didn’t need forgiveness from YOU. As if you were some benevolent god who held my future in your hand… Nope… you’re just some controlling busy body who believes the entire world should follow her advice and that we can’t be your friend if we aren’t following your prescription for our lives. I don’t need your forgiveness – I have the only forgiveness that matters – and I didn’t have to grovel for it either… I only had to ask; and it was given freely – without guilt.

And now, because He forgave me so willingly and completely, I am able to say that I forgive YOU. Yes… you heard me right. I forgive you. For all of it. Every single thing you did that I know about… and all the things you did that I don’t know about. I forgive you. I refuse to allow my anger and near hatred of you spoil my life any longer. Your hold on me is gone. I find that from this point forward… I truly and honestly do not care what you think about me or my life.

I have a God who protects me, and provides for all of my needs. I have an amazing job. I’ve got family and friends around me, who love and support me regardless of my choices. I love and am loved by a man who treats me like a queen and has proved to be exactly what God wants for me. I don’t need your approval, I don’t need your friendship, and I most certainly do not need your judgement. Nor do I want any of it.

The last year, and even most importantly the last two months, have taught me that I don’t need the approval of earthly beings to be complete. I don’t need you to proclaim me worthy to be worthy. I always thought of you as a certain type of role model – such a good christian wife and mother…but once you scratch the surface… the interior is dirty, ugly, and foul.  You have put a face on for the world to see, but behind that face – you’re just like everyone else… a sinner, tarnished by sin and unrighteousness.

I hid behind a beautiful facade for a while myself. But this is me – clean before my Lord. I am doing exactly as He has commanded me to do. I forgive you. I love you with all my heart – as a sister in Christ and one who I once counted a “best friend”. I will always love you.

I will not however ever have that relationship with you again. Just because I’ve forgiven, and will forget the hurts… does not mean I’ll ever be able to allow them to happen again. That is truly where the struggle lies – in letting you go completely. However, I know that for me to achieve true forgiveness, I must let go – and let God do his work.

I hope that you have a nice life. I hope that God heals your husband – for you and your children’s sake. I hope that your parents live long and prosperous lives and that you don’t have to face losing them any time soon. I hope and pray for all the best for you and yours. I truly do. I love you friend. May Gods blessings rain down upon you and make your life a joy to live. May you find in Him true love and forgiveness; for that is all one really needs on this earth.

A Sunday Musing.

Advertisements

The Verdict Is In


And… it’s NOT Cancer. It’s not even a “thing”. Apparently it’s scar tissue – scar tissue that has folded over itself and caused a mini-collapse in my left lung. And then more scar tissue in my right lung. Apparently pneumonia and chronic bronchitis will do that. Also… a mini “collapse” in my lung?

The surgeon I saw on Monday is hooking me up with a good pulmonologist for some decent lung care, because apparently untreated COPD can cause freaking cancer and as we all know I’m so not down with that.

Also found out that my oldest brother is fighting for his life in the hospital. He has a hemorrhagic stroke a week ago and was bleeding into his brain stem. The bleeding has stopped, but he’s not able to breathe on his own. They have him in ICU and he’s not getting any worse – but he’s not getting any better.

You know – when it rains… it pours.

Today’s prayer? For some relief of the drama life is tossing at me!

Happy Friday Ya’ll… Hope to be back to regularly scheduled programming soon!

Tests… or The Longest Two Weeks of My Life


I am telling ya’ll that all these tests are wearing me out! I’ve had a biopsy, and an MRI of my head, and today I get to go in for a PET Scan. Yay me! The fun part of the pet is not the scan itself – but the wait for the test… you see, you have to be “fasting” for this particular test. Absolutely nothing but water (which, by the way, is encouraged)  for six hours prior to the test… Which wouldn’t be so very bad – IF the test were at say 9 am… but no – today my test is at 3:30. So I have to get up and go through my entire day without any coffee or food. I usually eat my breakfast/lunch around 12 every. single. day.

This is disturbing my body clock… and my body is not at all amused. And the other best part of the test? Oh these get done in between chemo/radiation rounds to determine if the drugs are working… so I see plenty more of these bad boys in my future.

*Sigh*… so I’m starting to see why cancer really sucks. The idea of dying isn’t even remotely as disturbing to me as the invasiveness of this disease. I have dozens of people all up in my bodies business… tracking its every change…. I have holes in every single vein in my left arm that can be punctured – and one of those veins is so sore I can barely move my hand… seriously? I was poked in the same vein 3 times this week!!!! It becomes painfully obvious to me why so many people just say to heck with it and give up on this “treatment” thing… because honestly just the tests leading up to any kind of treatment have made me dislike the medical profession immensely.  I know it’s not their fault – and they’re doing the best they can to keep me alive to dance with my grandchildren at their weddings. But… I have come to the firm conclusion that cancer sucks – for many reasons. And death is the least of those.

Tuesday March 4, I will have answers. Finally, the questions that have plagued me for two weeks will be answered. My entire future will be determined in a 20-30 minute conversation with my physician.

Please continue to pray, send positive vibes and energy, and love & light my way – I’ll take it all!

Turning of Events


After work the other night, I got sick to my stomach. I don’t know what caused it… I just know that even my pheneregen from Norovirus didn’t stop my vomiting. But then something weird happened. I started having pain in my chest, neck, arm, and shoulder… like really bad. I took one of my regular pain meds and went to sleep. About 3am it woke me up, and kept me up part of the morning. When I got up to go to work around 8 am it wasn’t too bad, but it gradually kept getting worse, and worse. So, off to the ER we went.

I got there just after 9 and was taken right back… they ran an EKG and ruled out my heart, but the chest xray showed what looked like a spot of pneumonia. They drew a bunch of blood…and something in the blood work was high so they sent me off for a CT scan.Apparently the blood work was similar to that of someone with blood clot in the lung.   then came back with these big bottles of fluid and drew more blood, a sample from each side of my body – which I thought was odd. They said they wanted to see what type of bacteria it was. I’ve had pneumonia several times before, and this has never happened….

A while later they came back in the room and told me that what the found in the CT looked like tumors. Also that a couple of lymph nodes are involved. I met with an oncologist Tuesday morning at 9. He’s sending me for an MRI tomorrow, a biopsy on Monday, and a PET scan on Sunday the 2nd. I’ll meet with my doctor again. We will know then what we’re dealing with and how we’re going to do it.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m scared. I don’t know what what is going to come. I do know that I’m trusting that God has control of the situation and will carry me through it. I believe that I will be okay. I intend to fight for the ability to watch my beautiful grandkids grow up and start their own families. I want to see my great grand children.

I guess this is a new chapter in my life. One that I face with faith, and the strength that comes only from God. With the love and prayers of others I will make it through this.

I’ll be posting a bit more as I have time. I’m going to try and work as much as possible during this time too, just to keep my insurance current and paid .

So – send me your prayers guys – I’ll take every one I can get.

Thanks!

 

Welcome 2014!


One year ago, I was in a deeply dark place in my life. I contemplated all manner of ways to get out of that dark place, and I made some unpopular choices. Unpopular with some because I wasn’t choosing to live my life the way they felt I should. Unpopular with others because it directly affected them in a negative way. I’ve made my peace with all of that, and hope that one day they too will make peace and learn to truly forgive.

Today I stand on the cusp of a bright new year and all that it brings – new opportunities to share my life experiences, new chances to help others, and new experiences to enjoy.

It also brings the opportunity to bring about more change.

I’m ready. I’m willing. I’m Excited!

2014 promises to bring amazing joys and triumphs. I for one am waiting with baited breath to see what some of that will look like.

I’ll be celebrating an anniversary this month – one year in the arms of a man I never thought I’d speak to again – much less have the opportunity to share my life with again. I am so truly blessed and awed by his unconditional love and devotion to me. His innate desire to please me, make me feel loved, and show me each day how much I mean to him. He has done more for my self-esteem and heart in the last year than I felt from my previous relationship in 10 years. I’m the most important thing in his life – and he shows me every single day just how true that is. Everything he does he does for me.

I have learned so much about myself in the past year. I have learned to truly love again, and it feels amazing.

I’ve always lived my life knowing that everything happens for a reason. We are put in others lives for a purpose. We are removed from, or remove ourselves from others lives for a reason. God has an ultimate plan in everything that happens… and His plan will be served regardless of our desires. Look at Jonah – he tried so hard to run from what God wanted of him… but in the end, God did what God was gonna do… and he used a whale to do it.

I firmly believe that I am where I am today because it is truly what God intended for my life in the beginning.

 

 

So, hello 2014 – I cannot wait to see what you bring!

A Birthday Post


There was a man in my life whom I loved very much. He was an incredible man. He was a paint chemist for Marietta Paint & Color Company in the 40’s, a shrimper in Southwest Florida in the 50’s and 60’s, a handyman for a marina in the 70’s, and the most awesome babysitter on the planet in the ’80s.

He was my grandfather – Arthur Edward Nelson. He was born in Ohio on October the 8th – 1906. He and my grandmother were married for 55 years – tying the knot secretly in Virginia on December the 3rd, 1930. Grandma passed away in 1985.

About 1940

About 1940

 

Cute were they not?

About 1957

About 1957

That’s Papa and my mom, on his favorite boat.

About 1969

About 1968

I was around two when this was taken I think.

About 1976

About 1976

I was about 8 or 9 here – both Grandma and Papa – and my Aunt Genie.

About 1986

About 1986

 

This one was taken in Maryland when my oldest was about two years old. She was meeting my cousin’s daughter for the first time. Papa had both great grand daughters together!

Grandpa’s life was not easy. He grew up in Ohio at the turn of the century. His father died when he was young and he quit school in the sixth grade in order to work and help his mother with his younger sister. He taught himself through reading to be a paint chemist and he went to work for Marietta Paint and Color Company in the 30’s. That’s where he met my grandmother. Because they worked together, they were not allowed to date. But they did anyway, and when they decided to marry they slipped off to Virginia and did it on the sly. Grandma’s sister Mary and her fiance went with them and got married the same day – December the 3rd, 1930.  Together they experienced the explosion of the paint company, and told a story about watching paint cans fly high into the air and explode, like fireworks. Grandpa said it was both scary and exciting at the same time.

They eventually moved to Florida and Grandpa started his career as a shrimp boat captain. They had my mom in 1948. Eventually we all moved to Tennessee, then back again to Florida. When my oldest daughter was born, my grandmother was sick with cancer. She passed away when Kyla was only a year old.  I think that my daughter was a huge reason Papa lived another five years afterward.

They were always together, he taught her how to talk by 9 months, walk at 10, say the alphabet at 13 and by 19 months she could count to 20. He read to her all the time and helped instill in her a love of books and learning that lives on to this day.  When my son was born, even though he didn’t spend as much time with him – because we lived away from him then, he still read to my son at every opportunity. He talked to him like another person, not like a baby, and my son was enthralled with him. Unfortunately, my youngest never got to meet her Papa, he passed away when I was just four months pregnant with her.

I miss him a lot, but I’m grateful for the time I did have with him, and that he was such a huge part of at least two of my kids lives.

Happy Birthday Grandpa! I love and miss you and hope to see you and grandma again one day soon!

 

 

 

Writers Workshop May 2


Wow, May already! I spent so much time focusing on the A-Z Challenge last month that I didn’t even notice the entire thing just slip away!

So… here were on Thursday – linking up with Mama Kat, for her “Pretty Much World Famous”  writers workshop!

You might think about joining the fun yourself – there is still plenty of time! Hop on over here:

 

Mama’s Losin’ ItOk, so this weeks prompts were:

1.) How old were you? Share one of the first news stories you remember caring about.
2.) Write a list of things you would have done differently online, know what you now know about blogging and social media.
3.) Chances are you’ve heard of the Reasons My Son Is Crying tumblr page…write your own version.
4.) Share something that makes you laugh.
5.) Refreshments anyone? Prepare a drink for us and share the recipe!

 

I chose 1. How old were you?

The first news story I truly remember caring about broke on my mother’s birthday; January 28, 1986. I remember it very, very well.

You see, my mom’s sister G and her husband D worked for Allied Bendix Corporation… they held the contract to do all of the tracking of space missions. They were there that day. They lived in Sanford, just a few miles from Kennedy Space Center.

I had heard the hype leading up to the mission, and was looking forward to seeing the first “Teacher in Space” right along with the rest of the world. I still have copies of the newspapers from both my home town in Fort Myers, and the ones my aunt saved from Sanford too.

Living in Florida it really was devastating to us; and knowing someone who worked on the mission… that was even more so. I have followed the news to this day about the mission. Including the conspiracy theories. (Yes, believe it or not – there are some)

I sat in the gymnasium at my school… and watched on what served as a “big screen” in 1986… as tragedy unfolded. I heard my science teacher remark “That’s not okay” when the solid rocket booster exploded… and I remember when I stopped remembering the events of the day… because they were too painful.

Growing up the coolest thing ever at school was “Show & Tell” day… of course this eventually evolved into reports about things… but I always got to bring things my Aunt G had sent me from other countries. Usually, they were ornate dolls dressed in the traditional clothing of their country of origin.  Because she traveled so much, I own several Korean dolls in various traditional dress, including Wedding Dolls. I own a chunk of the Jerusalem wall said to be constructed of sand and egg whites; also a very ornately carved wooden camel.

I had lots of cool stories to tell because each item always came with a handwritten note from my aunt, explaining where they came from, what they were made of, the significance of the clothing; or in the case of the amazingly carved bamboo scenes how long it took to hand carve…

Everything she did was amazing and cool to me, so it was only natural that I wanted to work for NASA and become an astronaut. I wanted it with everything I had. But then, I got pregnant young, and didn’t think that dragging a baby through all of that would be appropriate.

So… yeah, Challenger is the first news story that I truly remember affecting me.

Join the fun! Follow the link above and post your favorite of the prompts.