You guys who’ve been around awhile know that last year was a long year for me. Lots going on, things that weren’t so happy and things that were. One of the “not so happy” things was the loss of a friendship that I’d had for quite some time. And while I’m totally okay with the choices of said friend. I am not okay with how things were left between us. Mostly, because I think this person believes (incorrectly) that I am waiting around for them to return.
So… with that said – let me just clear the air for you a bit dear former friend.
A few months back you were kind enough to contact me and let me know my dog had died… you didn’t want me to “find out via FB”. Kind of you for certain. Then not long after it was that your husband was sick.
During that conversation you said something that has burned in my head for all this time. I just have to respond.
You said “I want you to know you’re forgiven”.
For what are you forgiving me, exactly? Because, I didn’t do anything to you. I neglected to share with you that your husbands best friend was not my choice for a permanent life partner. Mostly because he was your husbands best friend. Just… no. sorry. I’ve known you for 12 years. You can’t keep anything to yourself. It wasn’t information to be shared. So, I kept my mouth shut… Until all parties directly involved knew. That made you mad enough to spit nails… and in a small way – it hurt your feelings. However, again I’ve known you for a long time – what followed wasn’t hurt feelings… no… what followed was just plain vindictive mad.
You trashed me to anyone who would listen. You called me every name in the book. You made sure every single person around you knew how much you despised me. How I used you. How I hurt you. And yet, I never said a word about how what you were doing hurt me. How I felt that you called me a user. That you stole from me, and wanted me to PAY YOU FOR IT and that you attempted to steal things that were of great sentimental value. That you put me in the same category with others that you felt had intentionally done things to hurt you. My choices were never about YOU. But you made it all about you. And I was the evil person who crossed you.
You know, at first I was hurt beyond belief that you would make such a huge mess of our relationship over this. After all, I had apologized, begged forgiveness and practically prostrated myself before you just for those three little words – you are forgiven. And if they’d been said at any earlier point in the mess – I would have rejoiced, jumped for joy, and been delusionally happy.
But you waited too long. You offered too little, too late. You see, you gave me plenty of time to analyze my actions, talk them all through with my God, and realize that I didn’t need forgiveness from YOU. As if you were some benevolent god who held my future in your hand… Nope… you’re just some controlling busy body who believes the entire world should follow her advice and that we can’t be your friend if we aren’t following your prescription for our lives. I don’t need your forgiveness – I have the only forgiveness that matters – and I didn’t have to grovel for it either… I only had to ask; and it was given freely – without guilt.
And now, because He forgave me so willingly and completely, I am able to say that I forgive YOU. Yes… you heard me right. I forgive you. For all of it. Every single thing you did that I know about… and all the things you did that I don’t know about. I forgive you. I refuse to allow my anger and near hatred of you spoil my life any longer. Your hold on me is gone. I find that from this point forward… I truly and honestly do not care what you think about me or my life.
I have a God who protects me, and provides for all of my needs. I have an amazing job. I’ve got family and friends around me, who love and support me regardless of my choices. I love and am loved by a man who treats me like a queen and has proved to be exactly what God wants for me. I don’t need your approval, I don’t need your friendship, and I most certainly do not need your judgement. Nor do I want any of it.
The last year, and even most importantly the last two months, have taught me that I don’t need the approval of earthly beings to be complete. I don’t need you to proclaim me worthy to be worthy. I always thought of you as a certain type of role model – such a good christian wife and mother…but once you scratch the surface… the interior is dirty, ugly, and foul. You have put a face on for the world to see, but behind that face – you’re just like everyone else… a sinner, tarnished by sin and unrighteousness.
I hid behind a beautiful facade for a while myself. But this is me – clean before my Lord. I am doing exactly as He has commanded me to do. I forgive you. I love you with all my heart – as a sister in Christ and one who I once counted a “best friend”. I will always love you.
I will not however ever have that relationship with you again. Just because I’ve forgiven, and will forget the hurts… does not mean I’ll ever be able to allow them to happen again. That is truly where the struggle lies – in letting you go completely. However, I know that for me to achieve true forgiveness, I must let go – and let God do his work.
I hope that you have a nice life. I hope that God heals your husband – for you and your children’s sake. I hope that your parents live long and prosperous lives and that you don’t have to face losing them any time soon. I hope and pray for all the best for you and yours. I truly do. I love you friend. May Gods blessings rain down upon you and make your life a joy to live. May you find in Him true love and forgiveness; for that is all one really needs on this earth.
A Sunday Musing.