Well, it is Friday, and time once again to step into the confessional.
I know I’ve been a bit lax over the last few weeks on this, and I do want to continue; my life has been kind of upside down and sideways for the last couple of weeks. That’s what today’s confessional is all about – a little life review of sorts.
In a post yesterday, What I Am Today, I talked about a person that I loved deeply. A man who completed my life in a way no one before or since has been able to do. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and my companion; and I allowed myself to become distracted by petty things. I gave up trying to salvage the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I thought that things would be better if I just let go.
Last summer, this man contacted me to send me a check from a class action law suit we had been in. We spoke on line briefly, and were cordial to each other… but were both living our own lives and not even remotely concerned with the other.
The contact opened up some old wounds and I did wonder how he was doing and what was going on in his life, but then I didn’t hear any more from him for several months; and I went on with life as if he’d never said a word. Then, a few months ago we began to talk again. Just friendly conversation about what was going on in each others lives… nothing covert, nothing out of the way, just conversation. I took it as that and went on about my life.
Then, my life turned in yet another direction. I couldn’t handle life any longer the way it was… I was in a situation I no longer wanted to be in, and I was forced to make some serious decisions that affected a lot of people around me… Not something I’m entirely proud of, but it is what it is as I’ve said before. I cannot base my happiness on the happiness of others. I left and started out on my own once again. People say they want a “do over” all the time – did you know that you can create your own, simply by making choices that benefit you? That you can start fresh if you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you need to? I did – and it’s amazing.
After moving in with my daughter, things started to change with this man. He called me – we spent several hours on the phone (just like we used to when we were dating and living in different states). We had deep conversations about life, what went wrong, and where we were in it at the moment.
We decided that at some point during our marriage we both kind of began to take each other for granted, and we quit trying to impress each other, quit showing how much we truly cared for each other, and we allowed every day life to get in the way of our love for each other. Amazing how this talk took place 10 years too late to salvage what once was a wonderful marriage.
We saw each other, he traveled to Kentucky from North Carolina to visit me shortly before Valentines Day. We spent two days visiting, reconnecting, and discussing life as it is now. We learned a lot about each other, and where we stood in life. We discussed things as we hadn’t done in 14 years. And we realized something – we gave up when we should have fought.
Now, we’ve decided that we want to give this thing another try. We are in fact dating again. I have relocated to North Carolina, secured a job (yes, a JOB!), and we’re working on developing a relationship. Where this will go, I do not know – but I know what I hope for. I hope for this to be better than it was. I hope that we can truly focus on ourselves as a couple, and each other as individuals and make this work. I believe that we can. I know that we’re both committed fully this time to doing just that.
This confession may come as a shock to some… and then again – it may not. Honestly, at this point, I just don’t care if it hurts your feel bads to know that I’m doing what I want to do with my life. I am living the way I choose to live. I am embracing love, and life, and happiness – and for the first time in a very long time I feel complete again. I have my best-friend, my soul mate, my companion back in my life; for that I am truly thankful.
Hopefully tomorrow we’ll move forward with a Silent Saturday post featuring some North Carolina goodies that I’ve missed for so long!