Love Not Forgotten


I was sitting here writing, yeah, I know – imagine that… and Poison’s famous Every Rose Has Its Thorn came on my Pandora station. It got me to thinking… thinking of the past – and a love not forgotten.

See, I loved a man once. Loved him enough to bear his child. My youngest’s dad. We called him Charlie. I loved him with a love that will span the universe for time eternal. I loved him with every fiber of my being; body and soul – to the exclusion of all else. We were definitely worlds apart for sure. When I met him I was married (oh, really – you want to judge me??? yeah – OK, fine – but, clean your own back yard first, please). My marriage was falling apart, I was a disillusioned and young.

And then I met Charlie, and I thought my life had turned for the better. I made the exceedingly immature decision to leave my husband, and start a relationship with this man two years my junior. We met in 1989, and we were together for nine interesting years. I say interesting… you decide.

Our first month together was blissful and lovely. The rest of those nine years are a blur of incredible happiness and sadness deeper than any ocean. You see, something I did not know about this man was that he was addicted to crack cocaine and the product of an exceptionally abusive home life. His father had abused his mother through his entire childhood. He never made it past 7th grade and had little to offer in the way of job skills. Oh, he worked – when he was sober and clean. But I loved him, and in my childish 20 year old mind I could change him, help him become a better person. How wrong I was.

We lived with his mother for most of the time we were together, which was not at all helpful for us to foster a good and loving relationship. He would do things; steal, lie, cheat… and blame it all on me – and of course she would believe him.

Don’t get me wrong, there were good  wonderful times. Like the fact that every time he went to his friends house he always brought me back a single, beautiful red rose. Or that he was an amazing lover. Or that he was so sweet and loving when he wasn’t “on the stuff”. He was an amazingly handsome man, and an awesome dad. When he wasn’t “on the stuff”. For five years he was able to hide his addiction from me.

For many of the years we were together I kept the words of this song so close to my heart that they became my “mantra” so to speak.

Poison – Every Rose Has Its Thorn

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that’s why they say

Every rose has it’s thorn
Just like every night has it’s dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it’s thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
Playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love’s a game of easy come and
Easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you’d be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has it’s thorn
Just like every night has it’s dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it’s thorn

Though it’s been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
But the scar, that scar remains

Solo

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I’d known what to say
Instead of makin’ love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has it’s thorn
Just like every night has it’s dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has it’s thorn

It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

And when I do – I keep thinking back to those years – when it always felt like a knife wound healing, and the scars do indeed remain today. When I left him for good in 1998 I had no idea that he would be dead just two short years later. Leaving our daughter to grow up without a dad at 9 years old. Leaving me to wonder if I really did try as hard as I could have to preserve that love we felt when we were young.

Leaving me to remember always a love that cannot be forgotten.

 

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2 thoughts on “Love Not Forgotten

  1. Pingback: Approval Not Needed | Done This Before

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