I’m at a point folks… I’m sure you know the one, the point where you don’t really know just what to do about something – laugh or cry…
The Lord has led me to this place in my life, and I know that He is now expecting me to use my free will to decide whether or not to laugh and praise Him or cry and beg for mercy. And I don’t know which to do.
You all know that I’ve got three special needs kids… and that I’m their primary caretaker. You may not know that Our Guy took off to live with his bio-mom a couple of months ago, and while I’m proud of him for getting himself on the road he needs to be on and doing what he needed to for himself, I’m a little miffed that he chose to go about it the way he did.
Of course, you all know about Our Girl and our trials and troubles, I’ve talked about that many times. She’s just turned 18 and thinks she not only knows more than I do about live she’s lived the same experiences I have… that doesn’t make for a good situation.
And then there is Little Man, who through no fault of my own has been off his medication for six months and I’ve noticed that there isn’t much difference between ON meds and OFF meds, which means the drug cocktail we had him on wasn’t really the right combination to begin with… Sure there is a little more OCD tendencies that on meds, but honestly if counting the squares on the floor, ceiling, couch, chair or whatever is the worst of it then I can live with that. He’s not hurting himself or doing much of anything that he was doing when he came home from the hospital last year, so that’s alright too. God has him where he is for a reason.
That’s what makes for frustration… I want so badly to ask God why he let this special, intelligent, amazing child be hurt the way he was. So profoundly damaged that even with the best of care he’s still an 8-year-old in a 16-year-old body. But I know that asking Him why won’t help, because generally the “why God’s” don’t get answered. He knows why, but right now it’s not for me to know. I know he’s here to teach me patience and unconditional love. Because lets face it, lesser women than me would have run screaming from the scene a LONG time ago. But God placed this precious child in my hands for a reason, and I need to help him to the best of my ability. It’s just I don’t know if I have the ability. I know, I know – God never gives us more than we can handle, and it’s only by his Grace and love that I have managed to last this long.
I live my life by Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I love God, and I know he has a purpose for putting me where I am right now, and that everything I’ve gone through in my lifetime has prepared me for this moment right here in time. He has put me in this place, with these children for a purpose – His purpose.
I cannot wait to see the miracles to come as God works in not only my life but the lives of my family on this new stage of our journey. Though I grow frustrated, and feel downhearted at times, I need only to look up and know that my Father above is watching over me all the time.