If you see it, please let me know. I’ve been looking for it for quite some time now and it has remained elusive. My family could really use some of it now… really.
What is it, you ask? IT – happens to be my faith. My ability to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. My ability to keep my “sunny side” up. I look forward to the next few days, weeks, months, and I don’t see any relief. I don’t have the optimism left to say “something is going to give, just have faith”.
I’m frustrated, aggravated, depressed, angry, and stressed out. I know that these emotions are meant to make my faith waver. That trusting God is the only way we will get through this situation. I know that I need only pray for the needs of our family, and in His time, the answer will be given. The house will sell when He sees fit for it to be sold. We will move in His time. He will provide for our needs until then. In my heart, I know these things to be true. I have seen this scenario play out many times in my lifetime. I am no stranger to poverty and unemployment. I have lived at least 2/3 of my adult life in this manner. Hanging on and trusting God for each and every good and precious gift received.
This time, however, it seems different. I think it’s my age – I am after all sneaking up on 45 like a Ninja. When I was 38 and 39 and looking for work, it was OK. I was old enough to be “experienced” but not too old to be “out dated”. Now, however, seven years later, and it’s a totally different story. I’ll be knocking on the door of 50 in five years, and employers see all kinds of risks in hiring someone my age… that is, of course, depending on there being job openings in a field I am qualified.
I am nervous about my future, and while I know deep down that God will see fit to see my family through… I’m finding myself second guessing and being impatient more often than not. Take the last financial “crisis” , internet and phone out for a week, for example. Granted, we could have done without the internet… still could. But we need that phone to sell the house, look for work, and talk to Little Man. I knew that we’d get the phone back on… but I stressed, panicked, and freaked out all week – over something I had no control over. Even though I knew that it was already taken care of – but the wait made me stress… I couldn’t be still.
We don’t have any unemployment coming in until they approve the 4th tier benefits, something I don’t know about. Who knows when that could happen… if it is even gonna happen. It’s not something I can count on. This makes me nervous and upset.
I’ve got some bids out on freelance editing, tech writing, and such – but so far no takers – again not something I can count on.
Little Man gets a very small disability check each month, this is how we keep gas to see him, clothing for him to wear, and a home for him to be released to. But it’s not enough. It’s less than $500 a month, and currently just our lights and water add up to that much. So we pretty much run about a month behind… all the time. Sometimes that comes back to bite us in the butt… like last month – but most of the time, we do alright.
I know that in good time something is going to happen, the house will sell, a job will come up that is not only perfect, but pays enough to make it worth staying here, or something equally miraculous will happen – just when we least expect it; or need it the most. It’s just very hard for me to be still and know that He IS God.
“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)
How do you keep the faith in times of trouble?